AN EXPLANATION

So how did you get here?

Often I declare that I am an artist. It is true. I am an artist. I seek knowledge on art, both past and present, in order to be well-versed in it, while also professing art theory and practicing creativity myself.

Winter last year was rough. I had artist’s block, which was especially strong and discouraging. I had realized that a lot of the times I was able to produce work that would turn out exactly how I envisioned it.

That was the problem.

When the work did not challenge me, I did not grow. I was bored because the work I was creating was easy. The work I had created in the past was difficult and painful: the work filled me with tears which I emptied back into the work. 

When I was looking at universities I could possibly attend, I primarily looked at art schools. I thought that I needed to be stretched to produce my best work and I thought art school could do that. But I was already being stretched: I was in an “advanced honors art program” in my high school with maximum freedom to create and I was given a lot of time. Still, I was not growing. I was not producing good fruit.

Because of many reasons, I decided I would go community college and then transfer. In the first year at the college, I have learned a lot and have been revealed much more.

I’m an artist, but somewhere along the way, I got lost.

I lost the distinction and balance between form and function; I lost the purpose of the message behind the medium.

I am also a storyteller. I am a communicator. I was stuck in incorrect thinking where the way I was presenting ideas was the only way to go about presenting them. The medium through which I was presenting ideas about God, life, death and brokenness, was limiting. I was letting the medium hinder the message.

Going to an art school would have been fascinating and challenging, but I must first major in communications. Communications lets me dip my toes in multiple mediums and learn from each one. I am learning about design, art, history, literature, philosophy and public speaking.

I am here because God is shaping me to be a storyteller of various methods.

[Reflection; 5/19/13]

THE STRUGGLE

The past couple of years of my life, I lived for the future. I thought that if I could just get past today, tomorrow would be better. Tomorrow was never really any better. I lived in a rush. I lived a hurried life full of constant worry.

There exists a tendency to hold on to a beautiful idea of the future but this is exactly what stops us from enjoying now. Now is pretty difficult. Now brings a lot of pain, hardship and suffering.

Here and now is exactly the best place I want to be. In the midst of the struggle, Jesus is my joy. In the midst of the struggle, I am reminded that Jesus is always enough.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

(Romans 5:1-5)

Life is a struggle. Every day is a struggle but I rejoice in the struggle because Jesus works in my life and in me when I am not able. It’s hard but it’s beautiful.

Therefore, I welcome the struggle.

[Reflection; 5/18/13]

PARTIAL TRUTHS AND LIES

Some thoughts I have about myself sometimes:

  1. You’re interesting but you’re not interesting enough.
  2. You’re smart but you’re not smart enough.
  3. You’re pretty but you’re not pretty enough.
  4. You’re special but you’re not special enough.

I’m not writing this so that someone will tell me that I am interesting, smart, pretty or special. I’m writing this because this is a struggle I have, although I know none of the numbered statements above are true.

Clean water is clean until the tiniest speck of dirt taints it. Have you ever cut your finger and washed it under some cold water? Did you notice that the water is clear until the tiniest drop of blood blends with it and then it’s not as clear? Water with the tiniest drop of blood is just slightly pink, only slightly. Slight enough to fool you so that you would never know it wasn’t clean. The problem with the lies we let ourselves believe is that a lot of the time the lies are based on some truth. Partial truths are the worst lies because we are more likely to believe them. You are more likely to be deceived by water that looks mostly clean than water that is obviously dirty.

Read More

HONESTY

shoot me point-blank

point-blanc

see the white in these eyes?

only white and empty.

your gun is frank and

your ammo a word bank.

fragmented.

thoughts in black and white burst red

it’s you that I must thank.

[Poem; 5/11/13]

Ugh.

I really don’t like how those three letters look. But that’s how I feel right now. In particular, I don’t like how I am in my own self pity, my own self tired-ness and I don’t like how ugh always carries that connotation of “me”. By using “ugh,” I am implying myself and how I feel. Yes, I know that it’s a word to describe a feeling so yes it must be something that I feel. “Ugh” means I am annoyed or I am tired or anything that starts with myself as the subject matter.

Ugh is a word that makes life about you, when it’s not.

Today was a struggle and I am amazed that God chooses to love me. My God is great. My God chooses to love me even when I want to make my life about me and what I want. My God loves me even when I do not want to see past myself. My God loves me even when I am selfish.

[Reflection; 5/10/13]